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07:59am 06/03/2009
mood: annoyed
I apologize to anyone who saw this mornings spam posting before I got to deleting it. I'm thinking I may make this a close membership community as it's not very active anymore. Any thoughts on that?

Again I apologize that the spam got through.
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pure as we begin. 
04:50am 15/12/2006
  Oh Chrissie, I was thinking about you so much today.

I've never forgotten you. But there are times when I feel that I have no right to feel any sadness at your passing. How can I? I didn't know you. But it's weird, b/c I miss you so. There's so much I wanted to say to you. I remembered you on your birthday. It was really messed up, b/c your birthday was the one-month anniversary of the death of another friend of mine. I hope you find her in Heaven, and show her around. I think you'd like each other.

This feels so weird, I can't believe I'm writing this. It's five in the morning. I miss you. I know your family misses you so much, and your friends too... but the rest of us? us lot, floating out in the darkness here? don't think that we've forgotten you. I know that in time, the messages stop, the comments die down, the sadness fades, but we haven't forgotten you.

I'll always love you, just because. Even in the darkest recesses of my future, stretching out beyond the stars - even then, my thoughts will still find you. I'm not the kind of person who ever stops mourning loss of life.

I still wish I'd been there for you.
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Happy 20th Birthday in Heaven 
08:05pm 14/11/2006
mood: sad
Today would be your 20th birthday. I am sure you are partying with allyour angel friends. Sure wish you would be here and we could have a party, and maybe fuss at you a little.

Golly it is going on 5 years now and I wonder what you would look like now. Probably prettier than before.

Any way.

Happy Birthday In Heaven Baby Girl.

I love you and miss you everyday more and more.


4 years gone now 
09:22pm 06/12/2005
  Chrissie I can't believe that you have taken your wings 4 years ago today. I am so lonely and I have done nothing but cry most of the day. You were my life anf my heart and to know you are gone has torn me apart. One day we will be together again. Till then jus tknwo I love you and miss your smile more and more each day.

Your Mom
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10:50pm 15/11/2004
  Chrissie has been on my mind for several days. I kept thinking about her birthday, and about how she would've been 18. I remember 18. What a milestone. Suddenly all the cruel popularity contests of high school were behind me and I knew that I was going to be alright. I knew that I was going to make it out in the 'real world' and it wouldn't matter anymore how many friends I had or if i wore the right clothes or got invited to the coolest parties. I would be judged by my own character and personality, not by what clique I hung out with. Of course becoming an adult had problems of its own, but the turbulence of my teenage years was behind me- thank God.

How I wish Chrissie could have lived long enough to come to the same realization. I wish she could've graduated from high school and looked ahead with hope to the future. I wish she could've just hung on a bit longer, and maybe gotten some professional help to ease the chaos in her mind. I wish she would've known that the bad times would eventually end. We'll never know what path Chrissie would've taken after graduating. I hate that. I wish she'd be here, and posting in one of the communities, and I could give her some LJ big-sister advice about jobs and college and all that stuff.

I want to protect her and look out for her, but she's already gone. It's too late. That kills me inside. It's so unfair. Oh, Chrissie. Three years later, I'm still crying. Three years later, I'm still asking "Why?" and never getting an answer.

I hope that you're in heaven and God is holding you tight. As much as I wish you were still on earth, I am glad that you are free from the pain life can bring. But life can also bring so much joy, and it's joy that you will miss out on- and that makes me so sad. Little Jade- you had so much spunk, so much life sparkling from your eyes. I wish I could see those eyes again. I wish I could see your smile. I miss you.
Happy 18th Birthday 
06:41am 14/11/2004
mood: sad
Happy Birthday in Heaven Dear Angel. I love and miss you so much today. Seems just like yesterday you were born then to have you leave on the 15 th birthday. CFfan't believe it has been almost 3 years since you have been gone. Hope you like the pages we have made for you on your site. We have graduation and your Angel friends. So much has happened since you left us.

Trevia has a little boy who is doing great. I knwo you come and talk to him since he is always talking in his crib and he picks up your picture and carrys it around. Especially like the one of you and Auntie Mai (that is what we have started to call her)

Please look out for your cousin Jesse she is inthe hospital under suicide watch. Going thru the same thing as you right down to the t. Aunt Vicki would not be able to make it without Jesse. I know it is hard for me but it would be harder for her. Please keep an eye on Jesse.

God I am going to strat to cry (sigh) Love you so much and miss you more.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Dear Angel.

Love and Hugs,

09:18am 17/11/2003
  I miss you, Chrissie.

You've been on my mind a lot for the past week or two. I was so sad, thinking about you missing another birthday.

and it makes me mad, too, because you will miss your birthday next year too, and the one after that, and the one after that. and it makes me feel so angry with you sometimes... but then I remember that you were hurting so bad, and you didn't mean to cause us pain by leaving us behind, you just wanted peace. And, we all want peace... so I can't blame you for that.

But I do miss you.
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Hapyy 17th Birthday in Heaven 
08:02pm 13/11/2003
mood: sad
Tomorrow will be your 17th birthday. I can't believe it was 2 years ago that we spent your last birthday here on earth. You were so happy that day when you came home to find all the balloons and stuff. Hope the angels have a great party for you. Just remember I love youand so does Lacy Girl. Look out tomorrow for the balloons that we sent to you in Heaven.

Love and Miss you Baby Girl,

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05:31pm 05/09/2003
mood: sad
i literally just stumbled upon this place, and i think it's great that there's something here to commemorate her :)

I 'met' Chrissie, or Jade as i knew her, on a livejournal community about anorexia (the first 'pro-anorexia' thing i joined..i still have very mixed feelings on the subject).. She seemed a lovely girl, it was so sad to see her being sucked down into the eating disorder..
And then her website and journal suddenly disapeared, it wasn't for a couple of months that i found out what had happened. I was totally shocked and saddened to think that such a young, interesting, vibrant person was just..gone.. :(

So a big thankyou to to her friends/family who've put all this up for those of us who only knew her in cyberspace.. it's very thought provoking, how wide-reaching the effects of a suicide can be :(
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To Eat or Not to eat 
05:17am 18/07/2003
mood: sad
I'm going to give you the same speech I give every young woman I see going through this thought process. Why? Because damnit, I care.

I watched my brother, from the time he was thirteen until now (he'll be 18 on the 20th of this month) struggle with eating issues.

He started excersising three times a day with that Tybo shit and eating nothing but kidney beans and rice.

He then lowered his food intake a bit and exersised a dozen times a day...

I told my mom "Um... this is NOT normal teenager behavior. He's obsessed with his body and his eating habits are getting really funny. He's getting anorexic"

Because my mom wanted to deny everything and pretend that her life and kids were perfect, she ignored it.

She couldn't ignore it, however, when we began to find laxitives all over the house.

My brother got to the point where he was either stealing laxitives from the store (sometimes getting caught) or bullying my stepfather to buy them for him with violence before they would admit that my brother had a problem.

By the time that they got him help, he was already into his severe bing/purge cycles and couldn't get out of them alone.

It got so bad that he would binge all day and then at night, after my parents went to bed, he would drink a gallon of epsom salts and puke in a bowl in the livingroom while watching t.v.

Eventually, he got to 123 lbs. on a 6'2 frame. He was absolutely skellital.

In between all this turmoil, he was being checked in and out of mental hospitals for his anorexia/bulemia, seeing a doctor, and taking all sorts of antidepressants.

The final straw came when he was put in an all boys facility (of which there are ONLY two in America) for anorexia in Wisconsin.

He stayed a month and convinced my parents to let him come back.

Not four months later, he had a stroke from the extreme stress to his body. He's lost much of his perephrial vision from it.

There is NO SUCH THING as "selective anorexia". It's not something you can turn on and off at will. Some people get into it thinking that will be the case; that anorexia is an easy way to lose weight.

I'm saying that it's not.

Because of my brother's anorexia and bulemia, I lived in a house that constantly smelled of puke, with parents that were too worried about his health to really pay attention to me. The situation brought violence and anger to my home life.

It's not a game. It's not cool. It ruins lives.

Your life, your family's life, and the lives of anyone and everyone that loves you.

Please think hard on this and consider getting help for your body issues before it's too late.

Best wishes.
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A Message from Chrissie's Mom!!! :) 
11:03pm 12/05/2003
  Vikki Hi hope you can get the word out for me. Angel Chrissie became an Aunt
today at 4:29am Peter David was born 6 lbs. 12 oz. 19.5 inches.

Trevia and Peter are doing fine. I was there for the whole thing and got to hold
him. boy he sure has a lot of Chrissie's personaity and features. I am so excited
I can't think I have not slept since Thursday night. I am going to hit the bed
early for sure.

Will write more to you later.

Love and Hugs,

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08:13pm 03/05/2003
mood: sore
Tell me what you think of this story, sorry for the x-posting

Read more...Collapse )
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03:53pm 03/04/2003
mood: cold
Sorry for cross posting:

Tonight @ 10....True life I have a eating disorder is coming on!!!

01:40pm 17/03/2003
mood: hungry
bmi doesn't apply to asians or africans? Is this true??? I am asking this because I was talking to a friend and she was like there is no way that I could be anoreixc because BMI don't count for Biricial people.

So for cross posting
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01:46pm 05/03/2003
mood: worried
Jurnee: I have a question, I have a friend that is pro ana, and she weights 60 pounds and she's trying to get to 48 again, I have been doing my best to tell her that she is fine where she is,but she tells me that i don't understand, because I don't come for the smae family back ground that she does, and she has to do this, because she has no support for her family, I have been trying to tell her that I understand more than she thinks and I can't bring myself to tell her that I have anorexia too, I want her to get help or at least make the effort because I have lost 1 to many friends to eating disorders, I am I wrong for caring about her so much, I guess what I really need to know that the things that I am doing are not going on heard...would you guys feel the same if you had a friend like her.....
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03:34pm 06/12/2002
mood: lonely
its hit me. it started to when tony came over and was looking at chrissie's webpage online. but then we watched austin powers and i was ok. then he left and i'm alone and i feel alone, and i have nothing to do but think. thats why i didn't want to be completely alone today, b/c all i'll do is think and make myself miserable. and tony is the only one i don't have to fake happy for. right now i'm trying really hard not to cry as i've just looked at all the other posts made by chrissie's friends. i don't know why its still this hard. it shouldn't still hurt this much.
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11:24am 06/12/2002
mood: sad
Rest in peace, Chrissie angel.
We will never forget you.
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08:34am 06/12/2002
mood: cynical
::sighs:: its not setting in yet as to what today is. maybe b/c i just got up and i'm not thinking of it really yet. or maybe this exact time a year ago she was still alive and i could've talked to her. i don't know. i just know that later something is going to happen to make me lose it like i did on her birthday. or maybe i just really have no tears left. everybody has been telling me that i should go out and have some fun to take my mind off of everything. but i know that i can't. i won't be able to put up all the walls i'd need for that today. its too open. i'm going to try to make this a good day, but.......well, we'll see.
Happy Birthday, Chrissie 
08:38am 14/11/2002
  Today would have been Chrissie Carrigan's 16th birthday. If you've been reading my journal since the beginning of this year or are a part of some of the LJ eating disorder communities, you know that Chrissie died last December.

Chrissie angel

I don't want to write anything about myself today. Somehow, the things I am going through pale in comparison to what Chrissie went through in her brief life and the suffering that eventually ended up in her taking her own life.

I miss Chrissie. I miss her posts in the communities-- most of us knew her by the name Jade. She was funny and full of life. She was a fighter! She had a stubborn streak in her and a lot of spunk. I loved that about her. She was younger than most of the girls in the ED community, and she was like a little sister to a lot of us. We worried about her, as she posted pictures of her beautiful self and talked about how 'fat' she was and wrote about starving herself. We all worried, but we were all going through the same struggles.

I think about her a lot, especially now that I've become friends with her mom, Kathie. When I was in the hospital, I got the nicest cards from her and they really encouraged me.

I don't know why Chrissie had to die. I question God about it a lot. I wish we could go back in time and somehow save her, but we can't.

What we CAN do is honor Chrissie's memory, each in our own way.

If you'd like to learn more about Chrissie's life, please go to this memorial website:

I miss you, Chrissie Angel. I hope you're at peace.
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i know its a day early 
08:48am 13/11/2002
  i know this entry is a day early, but i don't know if i'll be able to post tomorrow, so here it is:

today's an angel's birthday
she'd be 16 today
but she's not here to celebrate
because she's gone away

they say 16's the sweetest,
maybe true, but not for her.
the girl she was was more than sweet
in a world too harsh for her.

so cake and 16 candles
is what we'll have to share
talking and remembering,
and wishing she was there.

but i know she's watching,
she'll hear our birthday song.
she'll know we've not forgotten,
though it seems an eternity she's gone.

happy birthday Chrissie-sissie. we love you. the only gift we can give to you is remembering, and we all give it happily every day. i remember, and i can almost hear your giggle. i hope you're giggling today, wherever you are. i love you.